What does Judaism say about forgiveness?
By the My Daily Torah team · Updated
The short answer
Judaism expects forgiveness from both sides. The Mishnah says that if you hurt someone, even Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, won't clear it until you go to them and make it right. It also says that once someone sincerely asks, refusing to forgive is a kind of cruelty. The Torah adds two rules: don't take revenge, and don't hold a grudge.
When sorry feels impossible, from either side
Maybe you're the one who said the thing. It's been three weeks, the group chat has gone weird, and every day you don't text makes the text harder to write.
Or maybe you're the one who got hurt. They finally apologized, and you're not sure you want to let it go. Judaism has surprisingly specific things to say to both of you.
Can't you just ask God to forgive you?
״עברות שבין אדם לחברו, אין יום הכפורים מכפר, עד שירצה את חברו״
“For wrongs between people, Yom Kippur doesn't atone until you've made peace with the other person.”
Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement, is the holiest day of the Jewish year. It's a full day of fasting and prayer about everything you got wrong, so you'd think it would cover everything.
The Mishnah, the first written collection of Jewish oral teachings, about 1,800 years old, says it doesn't. Yom Kippur handles wrongs between you and God. Wrongs between you and another person stay open until you've made things right with them.
That's the surprising part. You can't outsource an apology to God. The person you hurt holds a key that even the holiest day of the year doesn't have.
The same passage shuts down another shortcut. Someone who says "I'll do it and repent later" or "I'll do it and Yom Kippur will fix it" is told that the plan doesn't work.
Isn't paying them back enough?
״אף על פי שהוא נותן לו, אין נמחל לו עד שיבקש ממנו״
“Even after he pays him, he isn't forgiven until he asks him for forgiveness.”
This Mishnah is about someone who injured another person and paid every cent the law required. Case closed, right?
Not quite. It says he still isn't forgiven until he asks the person he hurt. Money covers the damage. It doesn't repair the relationship.
Then it turns to the other side. It says the person being asked shouldn't be cruel about forgiving, and it proves it from Abraham.
In Genesis, a king named Abimelech took Abraham's wife Sarah into his palace. God told the king to give her back and said Abraham would pray for him. Abraham did pray for him, and God healed the king's household.
So the Mishnah's picture of forgiveness is a man praying for the person who wronged him. That's a much higher bar than a grudging "it's fine."
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What's the difference between revenge and a grudge?
״לא תקם ולא תטר את בני עמך״
“Don't take revenge, and don't hold a grudge against your own people.”
Leviticus, one of the Five Books of Moses, puts two rules side by side: don't take revenge, and don't hold a grudge. The very next words are the famous "love your neighbor as yourself."
Revenge is doing something to get even. A grudge is quieter. You don't do anything, you just keep the file open, replay it in your head, and stay a little colder than you used to be.
Most people would only count the first one as a problem. The Torah lists both, and the second one is usually the one that eats your evenings.
What Joseph did when his brothers asked again
״ואתם חשבתם עלי רעה אלוקים חשבה לטבה״
“You meant to hurt me, but God meant it for good.”
Joseph's brothers once sold him into slavery. Years later he rose to power in Egypt, revealed himself to them, and told them not to beat themselves up over it.
Then their father Jacob died, and the brothers panicked. They sent Joseph a message saying their father had asked him to forgive them. The Torah never shows Jacob saying anything like that.
Joseph cried when he heard it. He told them he wasn't God, that they had meant to hurt him but God had turned it into something good, and he promised to take care of them and their kids.
Here's the detail that sticks: he had already forgiven them once, and they still didn't believe it. Sometimes the person you forgave needs to hear it again, said kindly, before it feels real.
What to actually do this week
If you owe someone an apology, skip the vague "sorry if anyone was upset." Name the thing, to them, in a text or a call. That's the part the Mishnah says even Yom Kippur can't do for you.
If you're the one holding something, check whether you're protecting yourself or just keeping the file open. Replaying a fight from three years ago every time their name comes up is the file.
If someone already asked and you're still holding out, that's worth noticing.
If you've forgiven someone but things still feel stiff, say it again out loud. Joseph had to.
Questions people ask
Is there a Jewish prayer for forgiveness?
Yes, several. The weekday Amidah, the central standing prayer said three times a day, includes a blessing asking God to forgive. Yom Kippur services are built around prayers of confession. Many people also say a line at bedtime forgiving anyone who hurt them that day. Still, the Mishnah says no prayer replaces apologizing to the person you hurt.
What is the Jewish holiday of forgiveness?
Yom Kippur, the Day of Atonement. It falls in early fall, on the tenth day counting from Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It's a 25-hour fast spent on prayer and owning up to mistakes. Many people use the days before it to apologize to friends and family, since the Mishnah says Yom Kippur doesn't cover wrongs against other people until you make them right.
Do you have to forgive someone in Judaism?
If someone sincerely asks, the Mishnah calls refusing them cruel, and points to Abraham, who prayed for a king who had wronged him. The tradition also says it's on them to come to you directly, not to send a vague apology into the air. Forgiveness is meant to move in both directions.
What does the Torah say about forgiveness?
Its clearest rule is Leviticus 19:18: don't take revenge and don't hold a grudge, followed right away by "love your neighbor as yourself." Its clearest story is Joseph, who forgave the brothers who sold him into slavery, cried when they asked again, and promised to take care of their families.
Sources
Every Hebrew line on this page is copied word for word from the source and checked against Sefaria, the free online library of Jewish texts. The English is our own translation.